my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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