i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
