I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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