Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
