A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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