I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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