I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
