mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
