A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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