playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
