Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
