i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
