Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
