Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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