when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
