Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
