The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
