If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
