And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
