Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
