This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
