I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
