That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
