Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
