why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
