i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
