If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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