It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
