I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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