I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
