This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
