im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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