there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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