I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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