I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
