and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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