id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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