she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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