Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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