She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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