grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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