All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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