His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
