connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
