Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
