If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
