By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
