3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
