Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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