My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
