I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
